Shell,
You totally busted me!!
When some of my old toxic acquaintances argued that following the 12-steps and being part of a group like SR is just as addictive as their booze, they were at least a little right.
There were days where I had to come here. I had to be heard in the discussions. I had to share my experience in recovery and have someone "thank" my post. I had to give my strength and hope and have someone express their appreciation.
I have a list I made when I took my personal inventory and SR feeds some of the heavy hitters on there.
1) My need for validation. When I tell my tale and someone can relate.
2) Need for being needed. When a newbie posts and no one replies at first and along comes Alice to offer a kind word.
3) Need to win and control. When my thread gets all the traffic and the "thanks" pile up.
Oh yeah, it's pathological. This is the ugly side of Alice that I work on every day.
People may wonder why someone who left their alcoholic EX 1 year and a 1/2 ago needs with SR. Well, for me it's a safe place to work on those codie-traits and work with my recovery tools like being still, thinking before speaking, checking my motives, leaving my advice at the door, and detaching when my emotions cloud my judgment.
There are days when I read but don't sign in so I can't just rattle off a response without checking myself. There are days where I barely post, others where I share more. The days where my focus is on sharing recovery and those are when I like being here most. The days I am all about Alice and what Alice has to say.....I have to log off and close out the site and I resent doing it.
I still struggle with these issues in the real world with people I try to relate to and form bonds with. There have times been where I broke into a cold sweat because I wished I could think on what I say more and edit my responses better before they come out. Yet, here I can make a codie mistake and learn from it. Far fewer consequences here and for me that's a relief. It's hard out there. I feel like a fish out of water sometimes. I have a lifetime of bad habits to undo and I'm a work in progress.
Great thread!
Alice
Normie-in-training.