I can define my Codependency by the work I have done over the years on myself.
First, it was learning how to not React. To just be. To allow others to create whatever turmoil they were going to create and just remain calm and not react. It helped to think things all the way through, as
Anvil used to say, I'd "play the tape all the way through to the end." Realizing where a certain path would likely take me, I could consciously choose another path.
Then it was learning how to Detach. At first, it seems that I could only gain Detachment by Judging the other person. And it worked early on. But I've since learned that Judgment only gets me so far and then after a certain point actually works against me. Early on I also used Physical Detachment, moving out and moving away from the person in order to break that dependency. Emotional Detachment has been a little more difficult. I have had and still create LOTS of emotional attachments to people. But I am still learning. Key has been examining my thoughts and adjusting them so that I gain emotional distance. First was with my brother. I realized how special I thought our bond was. And it may have been. But that bond was keeping me in PRISON. Can't tell you how much time, money, effort and sacrifice I put forth to help him. I had to let go of the idea that he was my "best friend." Then came XA&ABF. Had to let go of all the "specialness" I attributed to our relationship. Let go of the idea of "soul mates." Let go of all that Magical Thinking.
Doing this required I learn how to live in the Present Moment. I had to let go of all the sentimentalism and thoughts and longing for "the good ole days." I had to learn to Accept today, and who these people had BECOME, for what they were. I had to stop defining people and my feelings for them based on who they had been in the past.
Next came Self-Sufficiency. I had to get myself to the point where I would no longer need to lean on anyone in order to live my life the way I wanted to live it. That meant gaining knowledge and skills so that I could financially support myself. And it meant Independence: Learning how to make it on my own. That took developing Courage. Facing my fears and doing whatever I needed to do anyway.
It has also meant learning how to reach out for Help from those who are appropriate. I no longer look to friends, significant others, or family members to hear my woes or solve my problems or console me. I may be hurting but I don't have to share that with those who are closest to me. I ask for help from professionals, such as counselors, physicians, and therapists. I know where to turn to when in need and I make myself responsible for doing so. I still struggle with it sometimes but I am working on it.
After that, I started working on accepting that there is a Higher Power and that I can lean on that Higher Power in times of need. This has helped me to develop a true sense of Gratitude. I appreciate so much more in life now that I have this connection. I thank God every day for all of my gifts and abilities. I can breathe, walk, talk, dress myself, drive, think, use my hands, work, all these things that give me freedom. I am truly grateful.
Next has been to learn what it means to Care for self. I realize I do not do well in this department and I know that it is up to me, and no one else, to make sure these things get done. This includes reaching out to a physician when I need assistance, and reaching out to others such as on F&F and the Alcoholism forums in order to learn how to help myself. In doing so I have learned a lot about myself and realize I have so much more work to do regarding my self-worth and self-esteem.
I'm sure there are plenty more things that I have not thought of for this post. I guess what I mean to say is that Codependency, to me, is the opposite of all these things I have listed. I used to be so severely dependent on others for everything. Especially my emotional life. But each thing I discover about myself by sharing my life with others gives me the opportunity to make myself a little stronger. I hope to keep learning and growing up and out of my Codependent ways. Thank you for sharing and posting this question. It helps put lots of things into perspective for me.
I really learn from your posts
PassionFruit, even though you're a purple girl
