chicory,
It is good to get this all of your chest, but you can also drive yourself crazy with the paralysis by analysis. You can’t change the past, you know it, but it seems like you can’t get past it based on your responses. Your son and all his good qualities, this won’t change. His problems with alcohol/drugs, this won’t change unless you are ready to change. You are smothering him by “would of, could of, should of” and basically trying to control something you can’t control, his addiction. As I told you in earlier post, you sound just like my Mom regarding my sister, she would get lost in how sister was blowing her potential, how she is so much better than what she is doing instead of focusing on the real issue, her addiction. I’m a parent too and you just want to protect them from being hurt and you are still protecting your son, but there are two people getting hurt, you and your son. Your son’s addiction is causing your pain and you are hurting your son by feeding the addiction. You may not be putting the money in his hand to buy booze or drugs, but you are still supporting his addiction.
Again, you both are in my prayers, I hope you find the strength and direction you both need to move forward.