Originally Posted by keepinon;[QUOTE
.I know it wasn't some magical cure, but I do think the messages we send both verbally and energetically have lots of power..how would you feel if no one thought you could do the most basic tasks..get told that or sent that message enough and you come to believe it....
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Keepinon- that is BIG! The messages we send absolutely affect them.
Personally, I feel that a lot of his problems are due to the messages that I and his dad gave him during his life. Boy, I could surely take a horsewhipping over that. I have to take responsibility for it, tho it hurts very very much.
He had some behaviors that we just did not seek help for- stupid of us- tho it was ignorance. we thought it was due to his high I Q that they told us he had as a young kid. we thought he was just "different cause he thought on a higher plane than we did. and we divorced when he was 8 years old. then, his dad had very little time for him, and it was hard for me to handle him, and I let him do a lot of things he wanted to do. just cause he was so difficult. i did not try to teach him the hard lessons that he needed. single mom, with three kids, working full time, and i just did not know much about what kids need, other than love , hugs, laughter, etc.
son wanted to do the things he enjoyed, and went with best friend a lot. the family loved that cause their son was a difficult only child, and he had a high IQ and boy the things they thought up and got in some trouble for!
it was easier to let him have his way than to argue with him, and he could argue till the cows came home. would not give up. he was the oldest and the girls were much easier . so during summer, he would go on vacation with this family, they did a lot of things I could not afford, and it seemed good for my son, but i guess he did not learn that he was a needed member of our family. he thought that his wants were to be honored, and he always presented a good case. he always said, why not, why should i stay home, if it is no trouble? who was I to deny him things that I could not give him. (my parents were not parents. mom was mean, and smacked me to look at me, and I wanted my kids to love me and to be happy) guilt made me give in a lot.
then as a teen when he would not want to keep a job cause it was boring, i let him off the hook. he went with his friends and i was happy that he had other friends finally. he would badger me till he got his way, and i couldnot find the power to say no. he hated to do tedious things, and hated to go camping, etc. always took a book and read. loved tolkien, and fantasy books.
he played so much dungeons and dragons i was worried. it seemed to be not so good for anyone to be so wrapped in a game, with his friends. then he loved his computer and was on it all the time. he did not want to be with family much, at get togethers, for he had more fun things to do and i did not make him.
after grad. he began college and stayed up all night in computer lab. also , did not have books for classes and did not let us all know, so dropped out of college when he could not study. it hurts to know this. i failed him there. none of my family had gone to college, and I was ignorant of how it is done.
then he took off for a year with friends, and traveled. i did not hear from him for 9 months, and worried sick. could not sleep. did not know if he was allive or not. then, he came back and since then lived with one friend or another, and barely got by or ate, but lived on computer. He did have a few jobs, tried to start a business with friends spent a lot of time doing that and it was a pipe dream. then, over time as he and friends had to move out of apts they could not pay for, he had to live with family. first his sister, then me, then another friend, and then me again. then he began drinking. i know that all the time with friends, he was smoking weed and who knows what else, when they went clubbing.
he had a girl for three years, off and on. first serious girl but i never, ever met her! saw a picture, saw her clothes at his place, but he never wanted us to meet. he seemed reluctant, and private, and he said that she was a bit punk, and did not really want to meet us. i think they were mostly party oriented. he lost a job, to go to airport to get her, when he had to call off. she could have taken a taxi, but he wanted to be the good guy. he just wouldn;t say no to her. he had to be her knight in shining armor. his drinking got bad, and they broke up; she would call when she needed something. when she had a stalker, or an old boyfriend bothered her. i wonder if she was not quite right in some way, and he didnt think it wise to introduce us. he was broken for a long time after she moved away back home. he held on forever. and drank more and more. she was so pretty and yet he never mentioned marriage.
now, he sees what he has lost out on, family, home, etc, and it hurts him. he feels none of it is his fault, but societies. the economy. in some ways maybe , but not entirely.he seems to have lived in another world.thought his computer knowledge was going to bring him fortune and the perfect job, and refused to go to school for it, saying he knew more than most grads, and that a degree did not mean anything. well, that was wrong. but he would NOT admit it. now , he is angry and disappointed that the jobs are not there for him. Heck, I still think he could find a good job, if he would just listen to the advice that he has gotten, but he knows better. he does not want to take the time to do all that leg work. well, wrong thinking. i wonder if now he is just afraid to try.
he can be a very kind person and always listened to me, and my problems, and works very hard, when he works. he is a people pleaser, on the job, but he wont listen to how to do things, cause he is embarrassed for people to think he does not know how to do something. you don't learn much that way.
sorry for the book, but i was hoping that maybe someone out there will say, hey, i know what is wrong with him and he needs xyz. i kept him from growing up,by not giving him the experiences he needed .
i know that he needs to believe in his self, and to do that, he needs to try , and fail and succeed. on his own. i feel quite responsible for a lot of his troubles. i hope that someday he will be self sufficient . and that someday, we will be able to heal our relationship.
thank you for reading this. I know that it should be about me, and my healing. but i wanted to talk about it. i know i cant fix him.
thank you for being here. to let me share, before I lose all my marbles. it has been so hard, the past year or three. I look forward to getting help. Hopefully social services can guide me. I feel kind of silly for writing all this, but I am going to post it, to share some of my life ,, and a bit of why i feel so responsible for some of his problems.
hugs
chicory