(((chicory))) Not the same but I wish you had had parents to hold you in their arms. This is my hug to you tonight. To say that you are doing the best you can right now, and maybe tommorrow you can do more. If not, it is important to vent and receive the support of others - please give that gift to yourself.
And please let go of the shame - it is your life and your choices to make. PPl are just sharing what they would do - it is not a judgement on you.
And I am taking a leap here, give your anger to your HP, Your HP may not have given this to you, but is certainly there for you to lean on, to curse at, and to give thanks when you are able. Your HP is great enough to take whatever you have to say and still be there for you.