Chicory,
I’m sorry to hear about all the anguish you are experiencing in regard to your son. You also sound just like my Mom when she would describe her frustration about my AS, but didn’t want to see her get hurt by kicking her out either. I hate to sound harsh, but you are doing the same thing as she did, you are enabling him to the point that he is going to die right in your home from drinking/medicating. So either he dies in the streets or in your home. If anything, maybe getting booted out on his arse will make him take a long hard look at his life and make a decision, live or die. In my opinion, the strongest thing that all humans have going for them is the will to live, it is what gives us are survival instinct. That survival instinct kicks in gear for all of us all the time.
So, as I said, you sound just like my Mom, who let my sister live at home for close to 10 years, basically justifying, covering up, and supporting my sister. How did sis react, she just became a “secret” drinker, slowly killing herself and Mom would basically ignore the problem or act like it wasn’t happening. She has been going to Al-Anon for years and still does, learning to take care of herself first, which she did, but she also enabled to the point where my sister almost died 3 different times within a year, her liver is pretty much shot and diabetes also adds to the complications.
I had been telling her for years she needs to quit enabling her (she would pay her bills, car insurance, etc. while she would lose job after job). When sis was in jail on work release for DWI 3 or 4, my Mom would actually pick her up each day, bring her clean clothes, along with breakfast, lunch, and when she would pick her up from work, have a hot dinner for to eat on the way back to jail??? Yeah, rough time in jail.
It came to head about 15 months ago. Sis was in hospital for 3rd time that year, in ICU. At that point, I was done with AS, I couldn’t take it anymore. Mom wanted to just get her home and take care of her, but I finally said it was her taking care of her that was killing her. Enough of paying her bills, enough of making excuses on why she can’t hold a job (she has a college degree), of why she is still living at home at 40 years old?? I said it was time to let her figure out what she was going to do when she got out of the hospital, but she couldn’t go back to her home, she had to stay firm. “Where is she going to stay, how is she going to eat, what about her medication, how will she bathe, what about money, etc.”. Yes, a Mom worrying, that is what you are doing too. If they don’t care about taking care of themselves, why should you have to do that then? While sis was in hospital, I contacted her case worker, some other local organizations, to see what her options were and if there were any, to pass them along to sis, because she has nowhere to go. She ended up going to a homeless shelter for a week. I brought her a bag of clothes, $2 in quarters for phone calls, and let her know we loved her, but it was time for her to figure out how to live life, that the way she was living was unacceptable in Mom’s house and that those were her feelings too. I received a call a few days after her stay in shelter from a drug/alcohol counselor that my sister met with. She asked if we had the means to put her in rehab, that sis wanted help. We did and I said when she called and asks for help, we will. I met her that night in shelter. She looked like crap, was scared, it was a scary place, but she said she was tired of being sick.
To make a long story short, she spent 30 days in rehab facility. She has been sober for over a year now and looks wonderful and accepts the fact that she is an alcoholic, attends many meetings and has been holding down a steady job for 9 months now. It still is a day at a time for all of us, but I thank God everyday that my Mom finally listened to me and got tough. Yes, I had to be the middle man and I guess not being the parent allowed me to be tough, but I hated what my sisters drinking was doing not only to her, but to the rest of us, especially my Mom.
My prayers are with you and your son, please listen and read from this board, we all understand and empathize with what you are going through.