Hi ukiah - my own relationship with my wife's drinking started to change after finding this site. First just educating myself about what was going on, then finding relief in knowing there were others I could ask questions like this and get straight talk. Eventually I came to accept that I had been trying to 'fix' her, or to get her to fix herself; sadly it doesn't seem to work that way.
I know everyone has a different story here, but they all seem to start with a shattering of denial. We are left staring at the face of a truth that we have avoided for months, years, even decades: that the fear and pain of changing our life is smaller than the pain we endure through the actions of our alcoholic loved one, or the fear of the damage being caused to our children.
In time, you will find your own path through these forums. I lurked for almost a year before crossing the line. You've reached out for help, though, and it seems like the more you share with others the better prepared you become for whatever steps lie ahead.
Be forewarned: I tried LOTS of tools to repair my wife. I poured out vodka. I gave her books. I had her parents and sister intervene. I threatened divorce. None of it worked. It wasn't until I filed for divorce that she searched for her own help, which is ultimately what is needed...the addict must internalize their condition.
She is still in rehab, so my story isn't finished yet. I'm not sure if it ever will be, no matter the outcome. That's the other thing I've learned so far.
Welcome. Good to have you here.