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Old 02-17-2011, 01:23 PM
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theuncertainty
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by DonnaJL View Post
You would be surprised at the amount of time I spend alone in the bedroom, reading or watching TV and he is downstairs with a bottle his favorite Russian beverage.
I'm afraid, I wouldn't be surprised at all. And I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. The realm of my life with XAH was reduced to one room. When I came home, if he was in a mood, which he usually was, I went to the room. He 'let' me get cable for the room; I was paying for cable any way and everything else. The room was where I was supposed to read, because if I was reading, I was trying to make him feel stupid. If I came out to clean up the sty he'd made so DS wouldn't stick something gross or a choking hazard in his mouth or hurt himself on some bizarre drunken mess, I was trying to make him feel guilty or being too noisy so he couldn't hear the f-ing TV. If I didn't go straight to the room when I got home, he'd end up ordering me to go to the room.

I try hard not to interact with him, but he will come upstairs and harrass me anyway. I miss having conversations with the sober part of him and he can be acting ok one minute and then cursing me out the next.
Same here. If I tried to talk to him, to ask how his day was, etc., I was being a nosy b-tch; if I didn't ask (because I was afraid of him going off), I was an uncaring, cold frigid b-tch. Right now, though, I'm having a hard time remembering any conversations that we had that didn't revolve around him and his hobbies or that didn't involve him verbally bashing, demeaning or belittling me or my friends. There had to be some, right? I wouldn't have stayed if there weren't. Him coming to the room was the worst. Even though he made me stay in the room and it felt kind of like a prison, it was also my safe haven - until he started coming into the room. I still have nightmares. I still start if the cat pushes the door open in the night. My heart still races and I expect a fight or worse.

I'm looking for an apartment I can afford on my set income but my area is pricey and it's next to impossible to find anything. It kills me that I would have to actually move out after 20 years because of his behavior and he says he doesn't want me to go, but is unwilling or unable to change so something has to give.
This was hard for me too. The apartments I could afford on my own were either in one of a few very rough neighborhoods and/or had wait lists a mile long. I finally found a one-bedroom in my price range though, and it was in a secure building. The down side was that it didn't have any green around it and DS and I had to either drive to a park or play in the parking lot. I just had to remind myself that it wasn't forever. Eventually, I'd be able to find a different home for me and DS and the main thing to remember was that we were SAFE at the apartment.

The unknown is scary. It was a huge leap for me to leave. It's a huge decision to decide to remain. There are reasons to make either decision and you're the only person who can decide if it's the right one for you right now. It could change tomorrow and you have the right to change your mind.

DesertEyes signature helps me quite a bit when I get stuck thinking about the past few years: "Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings."

Wishing you peace and continued strength. You are stronger than you know.
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