Tuffgirl

This came up yesterday in a different thread - I ask around, after posting that I have no problems with ultimatums, but more in line with what Star Cat is saying here. The feedback I got is the word itself has negative connotations to it that are big triggers to alcoholics who already don't want to be controlled. So from this point forward, I am going to use the words "terms" and "boundaries" instead of ultimatum, and knowing my RAH, he will say its an ultimatum and I will say, whatever you want to call it is fine by me! They're just words.

That said - I stated my ultimatum very clearly. If he quit drinking and sought recovery and made some healthy changes in his life to begin participating in this marriage and family, I would stay married and do the same. If not, I have to leave. He went to AA for the first month - went being the emphasis - and I left. He was pretty angry, but I think now is beginning to understand that I meant participating in recovery, not attending! There's a difference.

But I was ready to follow through, that was the difference at that point in my life. I was scared to death, but ready. My life had become unmanageable and that's not ok. Plus - there is NO WAY to have a healthy, successful marriage with an active alcoholic, its not going to happen. TakingChange999 posted some great links last week; I read them often because it reminds me of how absolutely impossible it is to have a relationship with someone who already has a relationship with a substance. I'll never be a priority with that in the picture.