Just thinking of myself as the 'abused' makes my skin crawl. My ex was a mean and abusive alcoholic, although I don't think he ever considered himself as such until I was walking out the door. We had a talk when I was packing stuff, already mostly out, and it was honestly the first time he had ever opened up and let his feelings out in the 16 years we were married. He seemed sincerely sorry for the hell he put me and my daughter through but it was already too little too late.
He has since remarried and I have to wonder if he changed, if not I feel sorry for his new wife.
To consider myself as one who is being abused, again, in this relationship is difficult because it means that I've put myself in another situation and I have so much hate for myself for allowing that to happen again. I'm a pretty intelligent person, how could I be such a poor judge of character? Going from one alcoholic to another...it really troubles me. My daughter has lost respect for me because I have stayed as long as I have. She doesn't see the good side of my ADP and never liked him from the start.
If I wind up leaving again, I can never trust myself to make a healthy choice with another relationship and frankly, I don't even think in those terms at this point. I'm with the man I love, and he is an alcoholic and I either learn to deal with that and stop 'hoping' that he will stop drinking or I leave. Again. Last time I left, I lost most of my possessions and now if I leave, I know I wont be able to take all my stuff because I will wind up in a tiny place if I'm lucky. So again I will be walking away from stuff I've worked for over the years. It's just stuff though, the real pain will be leaving someone I have loved unfailingly for 20 years. That's the real heartbreaker. Honestly, if I didn't have my dog who depends on me, I wouldn't care if I woke up another day. When you are suffering with an alcoholic, your feelings get NO validation; you tell them how much they are hurting you and they turn it back on you, like you're the one with the problem. That is unbelievably frustrating. I'm sorry to go on and on, but it actually seems to help a little just getting it out.