I have to post again - mainly because I am beginning to find the word "ultimatum" is the dirty word and I don't see it that way. The definition of the word is: A final statement of terms made by one party to another. Relationships are a negotiation between two people. He told me he couldn't be married to a crazy nag. Ultimatum. I told him I couldn't be married to an active alcoholic. Ultimatum. I told him I couldn't be married to an abuser of any kind. He said he couldn't be married to a cheater. These are the terms we set for each other through out the marriage - they tend to be fluid rather than static.
Alcoholics are very touchy to being controlled. No wonder - they are already out of control. But I don't think ultimatums are "controlling" as much as I think they are the final terms of accepting a relationship. The issue really is - is this person ready to accept your terms? And are you ready to follow through if those terms are not met? My husband is working recovery pretty hard - he's been successful so far. But I can honestly say my terms have changed just over the last 90 days. I know now that I must accept this will always be an issue and relapse is always just around the corner. So the ultimatum of not living with an active alcoholic also means accepting there may be times when he relapses and my ultimatum gets a little more forgiving.
I don't see anything wrong with setting boundaries of what you will and won't accept in your life and around your children. If that means ultimatums, well, so be it. Mine given to my RAH was not in meanness nor was it in a controlling fashion - it simply is what it is. And I also have to accept his and learn how to stop being a crazy nag! I am accepting his terms, as well. I think that's fair.