WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT site, with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are now or are where you are now.
I have found for me, that in order to 'detach' a bit from the A in my life at the moment, I have to change my actions and reactions to that person. ie I would and do stop 'engaging' in conversations that are obviously going to lead to an argument. I will just listen to what the other person has to say and then repeat it back to them.
I understand your therapist saying you should have empathy for your wife, but I don't necessarily agree with that. She is in the place she is in now, because of her LACK OF ACTIONS when you moved. She did not keep in touch with sponsor, she did not take the time to go to her home group one night a week. She got COMPLACENT in her program.
I know, I have been there in mine several times. I don't understand the 'intimacy' issues with her right now and would not attempt to explain them. She does sound like she is back in her 'early' recovery and playing 'the blame game' to a degree.
I am glad you are seeing a therapist for YOU. I will say however, if you are not totally comfortable with your therapist there is no rule that says you cannot find a different one. I have known of folks that have gone through 4 or 5 to find one that they 'fit' with and that specializes in 'addiction counseling.'
Now, not knowing how things work in your household, I can only suggest that you try and do some small thing for your wife each day, expecting nothing in return. One morning you might bring her a cup of coffee as she's getting ready for work, or of an evening do the clean up after dinner. Maybe do a load of laundry one day. Maybe one day vacuum. You get the idea.
It's changing your actions, and in the process her reactions will change as you continue to change.
The above does not mean to bend over backwards and fill her every demand, lol The above is to suggest what you might be comfortable doing.
Hopefully, as she once again continues to work with her sponsor and starts using her tools you will also see changes for the good in her. Recovery from alcohol and drugs, to be quite honest is a biotch. I know, I did it and even all these many years later if I do not stay 'vigilant', I can again become complacent and old Kind Alcohol will come back into my head.
I also have to tell you that recovery from codependency isn't much better. Once again it required me to 'work on me' from a different perspective than my AA program.
So, I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,