I read intervention has a very low success rate. If it only serves to "wake them up" I don't think that matters really because my AH acknowledged for a year that he was an alcoholic. He admitted it to his family even. However, that didn't change his drinking at all.
I thought if step one is admitting it what is step 2? I had gotten him to acknowledge he was an alcoholic? Why the heck was he still drinking?
Oh I know...... He has to recognize all the problems it is causing us..So I set about to show him. I bought a video camera. I tried showing him his obnoxious behavior but he turned it off immediately. I was friggn crazy he said. His behavior did not change.
I read a book that said "You can influence your AH. I was one and what changed me was those dear to me holding me accountable." So I proceeded to hold him accountable for his actions. The more I stood up to him. The worse it got. MUCH worse.
Finally, I could take no more. I packed up and left. I thought he is not getting away with putting on this face to the outside world.
So I left a disk on several of the neighbors doors. I left 4. 2 neighbors brought them back to him with assaults on my character, and a police complaint as well. He knew what was on that disk. I had showed him many times.
THAT CHANGED HIS BEHAVIOR. The day he got them back, he immediately put down the bottle, at least for the moment. Permanently? Time will tell.
I also didn't just go stay with someone. I signed a lease on a place so I was obligated to it regardless of how my relationship with AH went. I knew I would be weak again and his sweet talk would coerce me eventually. Mind you, I didn't even have a job. So I put myself in a position where I had to put things in gear for myself to take care of myself. No choice.
Now, a month later, he of course talks the sweet talk and has tried to convince me to come back again and again. (I have not moved back, nor do I intend to anytime soon.) Oh! How he has found God and changed!
This is my response to him and course of action in regards to him:
"That ugly horse will rear its head again sooner or later. I know this. I will spend time with you. However, when it begins to rear its head, we can talk about it and work through it together if you choose. If you can't hear me, or choose to pursue the ugly, I will leave, (and I do). If at the end of this "trial period" (6 months) if I am not convinced there is real change. We are done. I will file papers. I will not come back ever. I give you my word."
So essentially, in my mind, I have given him a chance to walk the talk. He has hit bottom, in his mind, because I left and took almost everything. He walks around in shell of what used to be a beautiful home with flowers and love. He has only a radio and lots of books to keep him company most days.
He is struggling financially right now as well. I believe had I not crippled him, in addition to exposing him to people whose opinion of him mattered, when I left, he would still be hanging with the bottle. I didn't even leave him a radio. He had to buy it.
The down side is I will spend the next 6 months watching for signs of the ugly, but it is harder to see because I am not there. I am finding no evidence at this point. However, I spent a good portion of this last weekend with him. I left for 3-4 hours saturday morning. When I got back there was no evidence to be found but he had the look and behavior of his drinking days. So am I really accomplishing anything other than giving him drinking time?
I, personally, want hard evidence. I want the proof that he is drinking again and I will have no problem moving on. It is just a matter of time, me thinks........
We started attending church together this last week. He intends to go to a mens fellowship. I am going today to visit with the leader of the fellowship and explain what is happening and why he is there.. Why? because I don't want him gaining sympathy for his plight. His old habit is to gain sympathy from the outside world about how bad his life is. I think if the pastor is aware of the truth, he will be able to guide him towards real change as opposed to becoming an ally to the victim. The church and men's group are his idea. I am going along for the ride at this point.
He said that he quit drinking one time before and he knew he was going to cave. So he called the church he was attending at the time and they never returned his call. Thus he fell.
It seems to me he is reaching out for help to the church I guess. He refuses AA. So I am thinking this is my next best step or maybe the pastor has an AA group there and will begin to lead him to that.........?????????
Any hoo......... I personally could not stand by and let this destroy my marriage without one heck of a fight. He has one good chance here.
If he blows it, I know, without a doubt, I did all I could (because I believe in the power of me!
) and I shall quietly slip away and let him live the h*ll he has chosen for himself.