I'm sorry you are experiencing this, and I'm glad you've taken this first step to making your life better.
You are correct he is an alcoholic. It is crystal clear. There is no question of it, and he's not qualified to argue with you about it. You know this. Stop questioning yourself. And, regardless, his drinking is a problem for you, so it's almost irrelevant if he is or isn't (but he is).
You see, there is no way to rationally discuss alcoholism with an alcoholic who is drunk, who is not in recovery, or both-- it can't be done. And, if you decide to talk to the other people around the alcoholic, they are often alcoholics or enablers themselves, or in denial.
But, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You just have to let it go and seek recovery for yourself. Being on this board is a good start.
As for your fear it will get around? I'll ask you three questions:
1. Why are you afraid of people knowing the truth? If they did know, you would not have to lie and cover for him anymore. How is that bad?
2. Who do you know that goes to Al-Anon? If you don't know anybody than you know they are following the principle of anonymity and you'll be safe there.
3. Do you want to feel better and be happier? If so, get over your fears and go to an Al-Anon meeting.
Lizzie, I'm not telling you what to do here, and I'm trying to be nurturing, but please think really hard around the questions I've asked you, what your answers are to them, and what, if anything, you are going to do to improve your life.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. You may think other people don't know he's an alcoholic, but you'd be surprised. Especially if your community is as gossipy as you say. Why lie? Why pretend? Isn't it wearing you out?
Originally Posted by
Lizzie99 
Here's my story - My husband has always drank. When we were first married, he might drink a couple of beers after work a few nights a week. That amount increased and became more frenquent. We moved for my job and he had trouble finding work. His drinking became very heavy, to the point he was finishing off a case of beer in one evening. He checked himself into a mental health facility for depression/anxiety where they told him the drinking was self medication. He stayed sober for a year. Once he weaned himself off the medication, the drinking returned very slowly.
Now he drinks in the evenings, almost every night. He drinks by himself, maybe 8 beers or mixes drinks; whiskey, brandy, vodka, gin, etc. When I confronted him about his stash of liquor and beer, he said that maybe he had a problem, quit for a few days, but went back to it. Confronted again, I was accused of spying on him and he now locks up the alcohol (I can still get to it to see what he's up to, he just doesn't know it).
He doesn't drink during the day, but it's almost a nightly occurrence. He doesn't drink and drive, but will drink heavily in social situations when he is not driving. He takes a pint of whiskey with him on trips so he can drink. When on vacation, he became almost unbearable by 5th night of no alcohol and drank 9 beers that night.
To me all these signs point to alcoholism, but he doesn't see it that way. I don't know what to do to help him or where I should be going to get him help. I know you can't force an alcoholic to get help, but I am getting to my wits end with this. He brings home very little income right now and I am supporting us. It drives me crazy to be scrimping by and the money I give him for gas, etc gets spent on beer and liquor.
I live in a very rural area where everyone gossips. While I know AA and Alanon meetings are supposed to be private, I hesitate going because I feel it would get around that I went.
Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.