Hurting - you sound better...like you are working through this and processing it differently this time. Keep moving forward to untangle yourself. I read somewhere that "insight is a rearrangement of facts".
Don't worry about rambling here - I have found that the more I write, the more I process it through my sometimes thick brain and the details take on a different kind of clarity. It seems you are beginning to see this is a pretty unhealthy situation. Good for you! Keep it up!