I can relate
The last thread that was shut down (Ph.D. student wondering about a guy she wanted to date) really raised some painful thoughts for me! That was me 15 years ago. I felt sad for myself, reading the thread. I wouldn't have listened to anyone giving me advice I didn't want to hear. And in fact, I didn't listen to anyone telling me to run from unhealthy relationships. I really thought I was different and special. Everyone else was troubled. I wasn't. I would seek those who would tell me what I wanted to hear. I was smart. I was (over-)educated. I knew the answers. I was mostly attracted to A's ("the vulnerable," "the troubled," "the ones that needed me to help them"). The non-A's that I dated, I would push out of my life. By the time I met my husband and first began dating him, I had more awareness about my dating patterns. With him, I wanted things to be different. (I wanted things to be different yet I stayed with him knowing he was an A.) So, I went to an Alanon meeting, reluctantly (my attempt at doing things differently). But, I walked out. It was too painful to hear what I heard. (I think I had realized that the best thing for me to do was to leave my troubled relationship yet I wasn't listening to my own inner voice. I had even made a pros & cons list. I only paid attention to the pros list on why I should stay with him). I also arrogantly thought I could "solve" this. I could change my boyfriend. I could love away his addictions. We married. We eventually had a daughter. Having her was truly my turning point. This is when I *knew* at the visceral level, I no longer wanted addiction in our lives.
I am in my late-40s now and realize how much I need my own recovery. I went back to Alanon reluctantly after my RAH went into his recovery. I am grateful that my husband is now working his own recovery. I feel as though I have a partner and our daughter has a daddy. However, it's not about him anymore. It really is about my desperate need to be whole. And I am now realizing that I am not whole. (And perhaps, I needed my RAH to get sober in order for me to realize finally how much *I* need help.)
While I understand why that thread (that the moderators locked) was evoking anger, frustration, sarcasm, etc., the whole thread made me very very sad. It just reminded me of how headstrong I was in such a destructive way and how I didn't understand the need for my own recovery. I am an ACOA. I am well-educated (with several Masters' and a Ph.D.). I understand addiction very well personally, academically and clinically. . . or so I thought. And yet, I continued to pursue unhealthy relationships and to live (in fact *thrive*) in the chaos & drama even after I had become aware. 15 years later I am quite humbled by this beast (addiction). I do wish I had made different choices. I do wish I knew how to set boundaries and stick with them. I do wish I had loved myself enough to make better, healthier choices in my life. I do wish I had the courage to break the generational grip codependency/addiction had on me when I had first gained the awareness years ago. (I thought I was courageous to take on addiction but I really didn't have the courage to leave it behind, run from it). I do wish I had known how to be more humble earlier in my life, to surrender. I fought the beast for so long, thinking I could defeat it through love, through compassion, through understanding, through knowledge, through education, through optimism, and sheer willpower & force. . . I hit my bottom (I've shared this before on other posts) about a year and a half ago. That's when I accepted that the beast was more powerful than I. I lost. (I wish I could say I fought a good fight and lost, but I can't. That fight was never meant to be fought by me. It wasn't/isn't mine to fight!)
I am now having to rethink who I am, what my life has been about, and where I want to go from here. I had always thought I was the responsible, centered, decent & sober one. Now, all of the things I had thought I was, I don't think I ever was. I had always thought I had a solid "foundation." However, now I am beginning to realize that perhaps my "foundation" has always been shakey, off-balance and uncentered (and that's why I was focused on helping and fixing others). . . Now that I am finally working on myself, I have a chance at creating a truly solid foundation for my "self." (The truth is, it feels awfully scary and unnerving a lot of the time!)
My RAH and I have a daughter. I so desperately want her life to be different from mine. While I work on myself for myself, our daughter motivates and inspires me to work on myself. I love my RAH very much. I love him sober so much! However, even as grateful as I am for his sobriety and recovery (never know if this will last because the beast is what the beast is), grateful for the realization that *I* must also pursue my own recovery with vigor and commitment, and grateful that we now have a chance at a "normal" and "healthy" family life, I still wish I didn't have to go through what I went through and I still want my daughter's life to be free from all of this! If I could've saved myself the pain, heartache, drama, chaos, insanity of the last 14 years, I wish I had been humble enough to accept a path that didn't include the beast.
I have met some of the smartest, most intelligent people here on SR Forum and in Alanon. And most of the smartest, most intelligent people from whom I'm learning about real life matters don't have advanced degrees in the behavioral sciences. I have learned much much more from those in recovery (both addicts and codependents) than I have from anyone with an advanced degree alone!
I am still learning from you all. . . THANK YOU! Hugs!