Originally Posted by
Stevie1 
You are working towards an advanced psych degree and you don't understand that someone who is addicted to nicotine and alcohol will put those substances first, before you, always? And that it's generally not consiered a good idea to become emotionally invested in someone, then foolishly expect them to change?
Stevie, yes, I'm well aware of that. Which is why I said, if there is an addiction, there would have to be change.
He might treat you like a "princess" in the courtship phase, that's normal, most people are on their best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship. If he's addicted, that won't last, you will never come first and it will not be a peaceful relationsjhip - especially if you're already planning interventions with someone you haven't even dated yet!
You're right in that it would only be a peaceful relationship with me, if there is recovery for the addiction-if one exists.
BTW, interventions don't always work. In fact, I'm willing to bet they don't work most of the time. From personal experience. So I wouldn't be counting on that as your ace in the hole.
It doesn't matter what works. If he is an alcoholic, he would have to agree to treatment, or I'm leaving.
That you are looking for a husband, want nothing less than devotion, good Christian values and peace...yet you've not only set your sights on someone who is a smoker, a drinker and possibly from an abusive background but has no apparent track record in maintaining a relationship or even a satisfying social network of friends (otherwise he would not "drinking because he is lonely.") Why on earth not look for someone who doesn't need fixing?
You got me on that one. This really is the question. Without delving deeper, I would say in the back of my mind is the reality that he could be my soulmate. Again, look at the Obamas. She didn't like his smoking, he eventually quit. And while he WAS still smoking, I would bet you dollars to donuts that he wasn't allowed to do it in the house and around their kids. Michelle Obama is not stupid. The rest is history. Had she not gave him a chance and weighed the pros and cons of what she was dealing with and flat out said, "He smoked, next!", she wouldn't be married to the President of the United States, and a GOOD-LOOKING man at that-but that's by the by.
Michelle Obama's situation is not unique, so let's not focus on how unique their situation is. I know many, many people who kick the habit and it doesn't take them years to do. If I like a guy and it does take him years, I'm leaving. At that point, he can pull out the nicotine patches, the gum, the doctor prescriptions or whatever works and get busy to kick the habit. His incentive? Me.
He's flirted with you, but it doesn't sound like you know him well at all but are quizzing his room mate about his habits behind his back....I agree with whoever upthread suggested counseling for yourself. This is, frankly, bizarre thinking, in my opinion, as is the fact you are pathalogically blind to a host of red flags and apparently determined to argue with everyone who suggests this may not be a stellar idea.
I will say most of the women I know, Christian and non-Christian have no problem asking mutual friends and even ex-girlfriends about the prospects of a love interest. There are even several relationship books that encourage this. I'm serious. I see nothing wrong with it. My well-being is number one and you better believe I'm going to find out the dirt on someone-and the good-if I'm thinking about dating him.
If I found out that someone I was mildly interested in was talking to people behind my back about my personal habits and planning marriage followed by interventions, rules and ultimatums if I didn't shape up, I'd be considering getting a restraining order out of concern for my personal safety. I'm dead serious.
I'm not planning marriage to anyone I have not dated and been in a serious relationship with. Where did you get that from? LOL. About talking behind his back, see the above. LOTS of women do it and are even encouraged by relationship experts.
Please don't think I'm not appreciative of the opinions and am not listening, I am. Stevie, I do need to call you out on a contradiction in your posts and I'm sure you'll clear it up. You posted earlier on my thread that we don't know yet if he is an alcoholic and you would advise me to go on a couple of dates with the guy to see what I would actually be dealing with. Why the change?...
Unless his roommate -who has lived with this guy for the better part of a year and observed his habits-is lying in his assessment of the situation, he doesn't seem to be an alcoholic, just someone who would do well to cut down on his drinking. If he's drinking too much because of depression, well that's understandable. In that case, he needs to get professional consultation. And no, I'm not going to discount someone because he has depression as I suffer from that myself.