Originally Posted by
LexieCat 
Simply stated boundaries help. First you have to get them clear in your own mind. If your boundary happens to be "I will not argue with you when you have been drinking," then you don't consider the boundary crossed simply because the person is drinking. When the argument (or attempt to provoke one) starts, you simply say, "I will discuss that with you when you haven't been drinking," and walk away.
That's detachment--it is refusing to engage the drinking behavior.
It's taken me a long time to do this - hard to do at first, but each and every time I was tested, my boundaries stood. While I can't stop him from drinking, I can
ACT, not
REACT to his drinking, as in arguing or engaging in those infamous circular conversations.
I walk away, go to another room, do what I have to do stop it from happening.
When ABF relapsed at Christmas, it was a test for me as well-to disengage from his drinking, keep the focus on my behaviour and not react to his. It's a learning curve for me, one that is ongoing, and one that I am getting better at each time it happens.