Please find an al-anon meeting and go to several until you find a group you feel at home with. You'll learn to put the focus on you, because you are the only person you can control. From everything you've written I truly believe your husband is an alcoholic. I was like you and met my husband when I was young. I was not familiar with alcoholism and had no idea for many years that he was an alcoholic. You are a nurse so at least you know what you are dealing with and that he cannot control his drinking. Unless he wants to stop drinking, there is really nothing you can do other than setting boundaries and making choices that are best for you. One of those might be choosing to live without him.