Old 02-11-2011, 03:58 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Verbena
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Originally Posted by HeyImme View Post
Do you completely ignore the drinking and act as if everything is just fine? Allow them to enjoy the consequences of their drinking without reacting in pity or reveling in it? Quit participating in conversations which try to identify why they are unhappy since we already know why?
You are on the right track. I can't completely ignore my AH's drinking. He drinks everyday. It's painful to see the person I've cared most about in the world destroying himself with alcohol. But I refuse to let him destroy me in the process.
I never talk about his drinking or admonish him for it. He's taken to drinking outdoors and away from me.

I'm not a religious person. But I think the serenity prayer says what detachment is in a nutshell. So, everyday I tell myself, I'm responsible for my own happiness. If I want to be happy then I must accept what I cannot change in this world. I will exercise my personal power and courage to make the changes in my life that I need to find fulfillment and peace of mind. I'm smart and I'm wise. I can figure out what I need to do for myself.

For several months I've been on a mission to take my life back. It's working quite well for me. I not only feel better but I've actually made great strides. And, over the last three weeks or so, I've noticed the following changes in my AH.

1. He's quit engaging me in conversations that revolve around him and his alcohol induced issues which include everything from the next door neighbors to national politics. Occasionally he'll forget but so far I've been able to shut off these conversations off with a few minutes. (rather than get cornered for hours).

2. He's stopped the verbal abuse (name calling etc) after I told him "You don't have the power to ruin my good day. We can argue later, but I have to get on with _____ or I'll get behind." I had to repeat this every few days over a couple of weeks but he got it finally. I think my AH senses me standing up to him and it frightens him.

3. I have a personal emergency cash stash that my AH doesn't know about. I have a file of all our important papers (copies) hidden away just in case. I also have an emergency overnight bag packed even though AH has never been physically abusive, I like knowing I can walk out the door within two minutes if I want to.

4. I'm familiarizing myself with separation and divorce laws in our state should I want to go that route.

5. This site has been a lifeline for me. I've taken the time to study and learn all I can about alcoholism from many different perspectives not just AA and Al-anon although they are good programs. You just never know where you'll find that special life changing piece of information that speaks directly to your heart.

Bottom line: I think detachment means realizing that you are powerful and doing what you need to do for yourself to live the life you want to live.
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