I had planned to leave my xah for a long time and was prepared to make that 'announcement' in 2005. I had already moved accounts, made some other financial plans/arrangements. I then had an unplanned pregnancy. I stayed. Things improved for a couple of years...and then they got worse. Life got very big. This is when things began to get murky for me. I painted myself into a box of the only ending was me, him, and the kids. Together. Anything less was failure. I would read and re-read information about how terrible divorce was for kids in order to convince myself I needed to figure it out. I couldn't cheat and bail. The day to day things of life kept me very busy - sometimes to busy. I began to change. Shut down. Very numb to most everything. No joy. No outward anger. No nagging. No opinions. The rage and resentment grew. The denial grew. The pretending grew. The alcoholism progressed. The logistics of living with alcholism became more complicated.
We went on a vacation - camping - and my xah came with. This was rare, he usually didn't go. It was an utter disaster. He drank 24/7 the entire time. Slurring, staggering, on a family vacation. it was scary, shocking, appalling, and I was unable to deny it any longer. I saw my little boys following him around like that
I was depressed, exhausted, flat, ashamed, confused, on the edge, exhausted. I was becoming a mother full of anger and unhappiness. I came home and felt like I had hit my bottom. I honestly felt like I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. I did not know what to do. He went on-line and found some **** about saving a marriage and how wives can have more sex with their husbands to save the damn day and I refused to look at it. I refused to discuss counseling. I wanted a divorce. I felt like I might burn in hell because I had convinced myself that any decent mother saves a marriage for the sake of her children but it finally occurred to me that my children were losing me. I was causing more damage then he was because i was going crazy.
And then I posted here an you can read the rest!