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Old 02-10-2011, 07:06 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Learn2Live
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by xvg View Post
Can you explain more please?

I never had it in my mind to be a superhero or anything like that. Just trying to do what's right. No clear path has presented itself, but I'm trying to take the one that causes the least long term damage. In this case, I think we all agree that it means to not enable her by bailing her out.
Well, for me, my codependency started out small. Little things like you describe; someone I care about being a nuisance. Or bothering me every week or so. Like when a friend came to me and wanted to borrow a relatively large sum of money because he was in danger of getting his legs broken if he did not come up with the cash. So I loaned it to him. Or the friend who got an apartment but complained all the time about this or that, and I went out of my way to buy things for the apartment for him. Or the 3am drunken phone calls I used to get (and take) from a close family member. In and of themselves they don't sound significant. But over time what I found was that none of this had anything to do with THEM. I am a magnet for these kinds of people, because that is the role I choose to play. And the codependency grew, and the being a doormat for others got worse, until I was so deeply involved with these kind of people, I had become a caretaker. You can read about it in nearly every thread on this board.

I am not saying you are codependent. Only you can decide whether or not you are. But consider for a moment that you are on a Recovery website for friends and family of alcoholics, describing how someone else's alcoholic behavior is affecting you. You may want to consider asking yourself if there is alcoholism in your family? Is this the first time you have felt it necessary to take care of a full-grown adult? Has anything like this occurred in your life before?

Because the focus is usually on the other person to such an extent that we can't see ourselves. I learned a lot about myself by going to AlAnon and reading Codependent No More.

Look within, that's all I'm saying. And yes, I agree that it is the healthier choice to communicate your boubdaries to others. But remember, feeling sorry for or responsible for other grown adults truly does them a disservice. People have to learn how to stand on their own two feet.
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