The futility of it all
She is hopeless. Truly. While my alcoholic wife has cut down the drinking, and I would say is functioning well, she can not stop.
I've been out of town for 3 days. THREE days. It has been a pretty good 3 days. Although last night we ended up in a little spat on the phone about something petty and inconsequential. I recognized it was going no where and just rang off. Didn't really think anymore about it afterward.
Came home, and all seemed ok. She seemed a bit distant, but the focus is on her recovery. So again, I just let it go. At one point tonight we had a short discussion. I reminded her that I have a right to know if she has been drinking or not. If nothing else, to know who I am dealing with. I've been very clear about understanding the road to sobriety has many stumbles and we can deal with her falling off. As long as she gets back up. And I have been very, very clear that lying about the drinking when sober is unacceptable.
We discussed my idea to contact me and talk with me if she is feeling overwhelmed with events and "needs" a drink. She claims to have discussed this with her therapist this week. And the therapist suggested she try it. What can it hurt?
I then asked point blank about the week. I asked specifically if she had anything to drink this week or if she bought any alcohol. Of course she replied no. We talked a bit more, and I made special reference to the lying about the drinking. Again. I told her I don't know how many more of these lying events I can endure. that I don't have a set number threshold, but that one day she will lie about it and I will simply say I've had enough and can no longer endure it. Might be one more event. Might be 50. I truly don't know. We then discussed the breach of trust the lying results in. Discussed how even if she is sober for a month, it doesn't simply erase the hurt that has been done recently when she knows how high the stakes are. Again, she claims to understand. We've had this exact conversation numerous times in the last few months. At least once a week for months.
I ended with my often repeated statement about coming clean after drinking BEFORE we (me or our children) find out about it: That the next time she comes clean before we discover the evidence will be the FIRST time. She says all the right things. And there is no doubt she fully understands.
Overall, this is actually a good discussion. No yelling. Calm voices. It is like I envision "normal" people discussing an issue. I'm actually kinda proud. For about a minute.
Then I start thinking about last night. And the fact that she brought up the argument again tonight, which I shut down. This raised my suspicions. So I look in her purse. She is not very bright. There is a receipt from the local grocery store for groceries.....and a bottle of wine. From last night.
Remember, I have an active divorce filed. I am leaving the country for a year soon. I have my own house already. She has everything to lose. The trigger is so easily pulled. She is a cancer survivor facing many years of medicine, testing, screening, and high risk for recurrence. Yet she can not stop. She can not be honest. She can not be an equal partner in the marriage. She is so close to being able to nip this. The drinking, as far as I can tell has been cut way down. Her overall behavior is so much better. Yet, when she does drink, as she did last night, there is a tangible consequence. Every time. Last night it was the stupid argument for no reason. She transforms into someone else. Someone I don't know, don't like, don't love, don't want to talk to, don't want to sleep with, don't want to hold, don't want to see, or hear. A being from another place.
This is why I am so vocal to young people: Move on. Move on fast. The sooner the better. In the blink of an eye you will spend 20-30 years with one of these people. And you will be substantially poorer financially, emotionally, and socially. There is no upside. Only a very few can get the demons under control. There is no hope for her to stop. She can only keep it in check for a short time. 3 days or so. Max.