justsotired

I was just lying there next to the abf, thinking..... How can I possibly leave? who will take care of him? it's not his fault it's a disease...... and I'm not the type of person to just walk away from someone... blah blah blah.
All the same thoughts that have kept me here for 6 years.

I feel like I have done all I can, and even things I couldn't do but did anyway, to give him what he wanted. But it's like the give a mouse a cookie syndrome- it's never enough. Giving him one thing just makes him want the next. I have nothing left to give, at least to him.

I keep cycling through sadness, anger, resolution, uncertainty, elation at the thought of leaving, panic at the the thought of leaving. But, I'm feeling everything so remotely, like I'm in shock or something.

Last week I finally opened my own bank acct, and put $300 in it. I started looking at apartments online. I read the dv webite, even though I didn't call them yet. I'll finally have a few hours at home alone tomorrow morning and I'm going to pack an emergency bag and all my imortant paperwork to keep in the car just in case I have to make an emergency exit. But even as I do these things, I'm scared I won't follow through.

It's making me sick to my stomach to look in his face and smile. I feel this vague urge to scream, curse him out, enumerate every reason I'm leaving. I already know I won't though. I'm usually the one being hurt, I'm not the type to do the hurting. Plus, I don't really think he would hear me anyway.

So, I'm trying to hold onto the thought- this person actually hit me with a van one time, on purpose. (I refused to get in it because he was too far gone to be driving. Even though he was going slow enough I didn't really get hurt much, and he was wasted, still what kind of person could cross that line in their head?) People are telling me I'm in danger because I am. I will remember this.

I will remember that jealousy is not love.
I will remeber that pain is not love.
I will remember he needs everything I do for him, much more than he needs me.
I will remember it won't get any better.
I will remember the good in the man I believe is still there deserves a chance, and leaving is the only way to give it to him.
I will remember I do not deserve to not live like this.
I will remember that I don't owe him anything.

Okay sorry for the negativity first thing in the morning, I just had to cement these thoughts before they slip away again.