...I remember my first Al-Anon meeting.
I had finally accepted that my (now-X)ABF had a "drinking problem" because this guy from work who is a friend of his and a giant supporter of AA rounded up several of his AA friends / union buddies and had a "mini-intervention / prayergroup" in XABF's office at work. It didn't have the desired effect on XABF, but when XABF mentioned it to me (as a reason why I had to put even more effort in to help him stop drinking
) I finally admitted to myself what I had been avoiding.
I went to see this friend of his, and had a talk with him. Got a phone number from him for a friend of his. Called her, got yelled at over the phone that he was leading me on and I had to go to Al-Anon and how everything I was saying was wrong, etc, etc. (
Not what I needed, XABF already yelled at me enough, my mother already yelled at me enough all my life growing up, etc.) So instead of going, I just shut down and retreated inside the nice thick walls I had built.
Except I started reading things online. Sections of the Big Book, looking up Al-Anon, finding the AA schedule for XABF, but genuinely
looking, and not just for him this time.
About a week later I finally made my way to my first meeting. I was so depressed at that point, I had kicked XABF out of my apartment (for the first time), and I just wanted things to be better. I checked the online meeting schedule, and that night there was an Al-Anon literally four blocks from my apartment. I could walk there if I wanted. So I went.
I drove around in circles in the parking lot. I put the spare tired into the wheel well where it belonged in my trunk (it had been rolling around the back seat for two months). I walked around. I looked at the church gardens (it was dark out, and raining). I helped someone cross the street.
Finally I got up enough courage to try and go in. The door was locked. I almost went home. I tried the other door, which led to the basement, and wandered around down there. Turned to go again, and someone spotted me and asked, "Are you here for the Al-Anon meeting?"
Drat! I'd been spotted! I
had to go, now!
It was only six people in attendance, and it was my least favorite of all the Al-Anon meetings I have attended, and I am
so glad I went because I finally realized I was not alone. Here were people just like me, who knew just what I was going through, and I didn't have to pretend everything was okay.
I did talk at my first meeting. I was a mess, but there were only six people there, and I'd kept so many things bottled up inside that I just had to let all these thoughts go SOMEWHERE. I don't remember what I said, I do remember I used up a lot of tissues saying it, I remember that they just let me talk and cry and get it all out, made sure I had all the beginner's information, and suggested a few meetings that were more geared towards "beginners" that would provide a better benefit. Afterward I talked to one woman in the parking lot for about an hour and a half, I don't even remember her name, I don't remember ever seeing her again, but she just helped me so much.
I couldn't wait to go to another meeting.
Sorry, I didn't mean to type so much, I guess I have a lot of feelings about this!
Al-Anon has helped me a lot, as have the online meeting here, and of course this forum. Right now, I absolutely need all three, and I am so grateful to have found them all.
