Not sure what my point was in above post, may have been venting.
Just your post asking "how do you make sure that the addict is not lead to believe that what he is doing is okay while still maintaining a loving, calm, normal demeanor?" seems like your trying to control something into being ok when it is not.
Also I am finding that I am slowly being restored to loving, calm and peaceful little by little through Alanon where I am working on my own issues totally separate from AH's choices.
Hope you find something useful.
I admire your caring attitude and your desire to maintain normalcy. I'm not sure alcohol fits into what many of us expect as normal.