I have to say I can see clearly now how my AH participated in our family the way he did basically to hide the fact that he was drinking. What was missing from our relationship and family life was him being emotionally present. Physically he was here and he did a lot of helping around - doing the laundry in the basement (to drink); running to the store for groceries (to drink); taking out the garbage (to drink); fixing stuff with tools he needed in the garage (to drink).
I was the one providing all the emotional attachment to the kids. He was there to have fun, most times, but as the kids got older and more structure and guidance and boundaries were needed, I had no support from him.
In hindsight it seems as if he knew his drinking was not acceptable although, as I have posted before I was clueless about the drinking. The lack of emotional support and the constant manipulative reasoning of why wasn't I happy with all that he was doing to help out around the house took its toll on me and eventually I was so enmeshed in this alcoholic drama, lost my self and reached a point where I couldn't see my way to being nice at all.
Now AH is out of the house and I have no help and that's just fine with me. It is what it is.