No answer here, but hugs to you.
I am married to an AH and feel the same way. I've studied all the codependent literature, am in counseling and have just started alanon. I know what I'm supposed to do-detach in a loving manner. From the best I can tell this means not becoming emotionally involved with their drinking, that includes reactions to the drinking. Also, it is in the alcoholics hands to decide when they need treatment.
I can't do this successfully. No matter how much I try I can't remove the fear and anxiety that alcoholism instills in me. I react from it. I have a very rich, independent life which is supposed to help detachment.
Each time I try to accept things for what they are I become more angry and resentful.
I will say that the more independent I become and the healthier I get, the more my husband tries to change, it's not successful change so far, but he got himself into therapy and is making an effort to connect with our children.
Hopefully, someone here will have a successful marriage story.