Grateful to find another useful tool
Introducing myself. I have been lurking on here for about 6 months. Don't even know how I found you but have read some amazing, insightful things. Strong people on here, and some sound so much like me it is uncanny. I am slowly starting to recognize my sickness-a sickness I never even knew I had. One I kept denying.
Here's my story.
Been married 29 years. My husband has always been a drinker. Functional alcoholic. Never lost a job, never a DUI. Did not go to bars, Did not chase women. Did not spend all the money. Great father. Loving. Responsible. Made me feel beautiful, safe and secure. So why did I have such a problem with him drinking? Was I selfish? Was I a control freak? All I know is that every holiday morning was the anxiety that he would not wake up because he was too drunk . Every weekend morning was a struggle to get the kids out of the house to an event and him lagging behind last minute reeking of beer. I used to wake up and clean up the cans so that the kids would not see. I stopped as they got older because they already knew how much he drank. I could hear a beer can being opened anywhere in my house. I was angry most of the time and I did not know why. I blamed everything that went wrong in our lives on the drinking. I was fixated. 3 years ago as our children left our home he suddenly says he is not sure he wants to continue being married to me. SHOCK! HURT! not real anger this time. We went to counseling for 3 years and his personality changed drastically. Suddenly everything was my fault-including his drinking. Said I made him feel like a second class citizen because he never went to college and he could never give me all I wanted. Said I belittled him and mocked him all our marriage. He became emotionally shut down, doing and saying things that I never would have imagined him capable of. Then he got abusive. Emotionally and verbally but there were signs that it may get physical. Several things triggered my decision to leave. When he said he drinking was my fault I realized how sick he really is. He has lost the control he thinks he has always had over his drinking. And I knew it was not healthy for me or for him to stay together as things got worse. Emotionally or physically.
Of course we talked about his drinking in the past and he even went to AA meetings a few times and slowed down for a while but never really gave it up. I never felt comfortable asking him to stop. I did not want him to do it for me. I wanted him to do it because he was tired of being hung over 4 days a week and because he realized the toll it was taking on him physically and emotionally. i wanted him to realize that it was interfering with the most important relationships in his life.
We have been separated for a little less than a year. He claims his life is great. He is doing what he wants when he wants. He has everything under control. He has little contact with the kids or our mutual friends. He has almost no contact with me. Does not answer emails or phone calls. I have to text him to call me at his convenience.
I feel a sense of calm not having him around. Living on my own was a difficult lesson but one I had to learn. I made new friends and started going to AL Anon. But I also feel so empty. I know the man he is right now is not the man I want to be with. I keep thinking its the continued alcohol abuse, or depression or unresolved childhood issues or mental illness. I cannot accept the fact that maybe he simply does not love me anymore. I feel sorry for him and for what he has given up but I also know it is HIS decision and HIS choice. Maybe he just needs to live his life this way and he will eventually hit bottom or come to the realization that he needs help.
I am playing the waiting game because I cling to the .01% chance that he will come to his senses. I am just not ready to let go yet. Trying to live my life-and I have a great one even if somedays its hard just to get out of bed. I also know where I can go to get a boost when I need one. A meeting or here to read some of the posts. I am financially independent and have a great support system and more choices than many. I try to acknowledge how blessed I am everyday.
Thanks for listening. Sorry it got so long. I guess there really isn't a short version of any of our stories is there?