THis thread obviously is striking a chord with me! (Particularly your comments, L2L!)
Things that lead me to give myself up/people please
1. Jealousy/comparison/feeling "less than": someone is/was so great, I think I should be that great. If I am not, i have to deny that I am less than they because to admit I can't do what they did or do means I am not good enough. If their skills were so loveable and I don't have them, I must be unloveable, not good enough, not valuable. This comparison can come from others or I can generate myself. If either deny my issues or just strive to be enough. This happens often at work.
Healthy response: Let go of expecting myself to be like someone else. Accept my issues and limits and find means to support my success around my limitations.
2. Pity: They are so sad, stuck, powerless, miserable, or helpless that I pity them and don't have the heart to demand what I need or expect anything from them. My AH pulls this sometimes.
Helathy response: Get clear on a) my needs and b) my expectations and stick to it, regardless of external response
3. Guilt/responsibility: they say its my fault or are just plain mad or upset. Immediately, I begin to figure out what I can do to please them or fix it.
Healthy response: I keep ahold of myself. Observe my fear at their upset. Stay conscious! Asses what is mine and what is their junk. Self soothe. Choose my actions or response.
4. Low self worth/obediance: Someone is bossy (or literally, my boss...or an older man) and I can't seem to do anything other than automatically please and comply
Healthy response: Keep ahold of myself and stay conscious. Observe my desire to please. Self soothe. Choose my actions or response.
Boy, there is work to do there! I find it interesting that this shows up at work and in my primary relationship. I feel a need to "make them like me" in all cases. I think this is a combination of my dad having left when I was 5 and having a hard time fitting in at school.
While I love alot about myself and feel I have alot of strengths, the little kid in me is DESPERATE to be liked, validated, told she is enough and valued. She is SURE she is going to be found out to be unloveable, unlikeable, a problem, a drag, not good enough.
Good stuff.