Originally Posted by
Chelle3 
I'm considering going to alanon but one thing is holding me back. It seems the only effective way to live with an alcoholic is to detach. Isn't going to alanon part of rehashing your issues with the alcoholic and therefore focusing more on them instead of you?
It seems like it would be easier just to live in denial/ignorance. Live for yourself and not focus on the alcoholic (kind of like lalalala I can't hear you). It seems to me that going to a meeting about how to deal with alcoholics is allowing yourself to be obsessed with their problems. Admittedly I am obsessed without alanon, but am trying my darndest not to be and to focus on me.
Does Alanon help you to live with the alcoholic or break away from them. I feel like I break away pretty well, I was dealing with a pending divorce fine, it's the living with one that is very hard for me.
You are correct that in Al-Anon, members learn to detach from the alcoholic. However, the full principle is "detach with love." That doesn't mean to "disassociate" or "detach with an axe." "Detach with love" means that I understand that alcoholism is an illness that physically, emotionally and spiritually affects the drinker's behavior and all who are close to the drinker. It took me awhile to full understand just how much the drinking was affecting every aspect of the our lives. Al-Anon helped me to learn to separate the illness from the person. I can love the person but not behavior. It means that I can help the alcoholic be responsible and assume the consequences of his or her actions and behavior. When I stop enabling or covering up for the drinker, I help myself as well as the drinker. It takes a lot of crises to get the attention of the drinker--to shift it from the job, the spouse, the children, or whatever as the cause of his or her problems to "hmmm, I'm drinking too much. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten a DWI or hit a pedestrain walking in the stree if I hadn't drank a quart of whiskey and then driven the car."
Detach with Love also means not to deliberately create or avert a crises. "Bless the Mess" is what I used to tell myself. Just when I thought I had seen the bottom of the barrel, something else happened." Alcoholics don't scare easily. The drinker asked his drinking buddies if they thought he was an alcoholic--and guess what they said..."No." So, I became the problem with my nagging, angry confrontations, or superwife/cook/mother behavior.
Run, don't walk to Al-Anon. Call 888-425-2666 for meeting information or go to the Al-Anon Web site,
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen It was way too late for my marriage by the time I got there. The alcoholic had to detach from me...instead of vice versa.
If you want to hear what an Al-Anon meeting is like, visit the First Steps to Recovery Podcasts on the Al-Anon web site,
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen.