They told me “You’re not listening”, what do you think?
My wife comes home from her 30 day residential Friday. We are feeling positive as there has been quite a transformation. This 12 step based program has challenged her hard and she has confronted and accepted her addiction.
The program has a ‘family conference’ for an hour each week where I have sat with AW and the counsellor and I have put out the truths and AW has accepted them. It seems like a valuable part of the process. (16 yr old daughter did same)
A bit of background to my AW, the addiction goes beyond alcohol. She is also a binge eater and has been for 20 years. The program has approached this in the same way and AW has accepted and is determined to not slip into old ways with food addiction as that is a precursor to the drinking (both addictions interact)
To cut to the chase, yesterday at the final conference the AW, the counsellor and I were talking about relapse. Counsellor mentioned one way which in which I could help is that if “I happen to notice” AW going to bathroom or making inappropriate food purchases to “quietly mention” it to her (the AW).
Massive alarm bells went off for me at this point and I rather vehemently stated that I felt this was possibly asking a lot. I stated that I thought I knew where my responsibilities ended through my Al-Anon and Co-Dependent learning (I’m a Beattie fan).
The counsellor got a bit defensive and restated that it was not watching or controlling she was asking for, just “if I happened to notice”. For example if I happen to hear AW vomiting in the bathroom. I countered that the only way I would notice if AW was vomiting in the bathroom would be if I had my ear to the door. I told her I was done with my CD behaviour and not to ask me to play any kind of roll like that in the AW’s recovery.
I was getting anxious at this point. I told her I could not “happen to notice” if the AW was drinking unless I went looking for bottles or sniffing breath. I reiterated rather animatedly that I was so done with that.
She told me (Counsellor) I wasn’t listening, they were not asking me to control or spy, just to mention it if I happen to notice. I told them that that was a quite a request to make of a recovering co-dependent. How was I going to be sure to not start smelling breath if, I was being asked to “mention it if I happened to notice”.
Was I out-of-line? Did I over-react?
I have learned from SR and others that I should sit back and watch, I don’t think it is my roll to be an integral part of the staying sober.
Reefbreak.