Thank you -- that was a very helpful post. The selfishness has baffled me, too, and now that he's sober, it's no different, actually. I guess that's what recovery's for, right?
We were separated and in NC mode when my birthday came around. He had Amazon send me a book on how to become a better wife. I opened it in the stairwell and tossed it in the trash without carrying it inside.
And that's pretty much the story of our relationship. He would chastise me when I watched crappy TV (I watched TV maybe once a month -- but if I did it while he was home, he was complaining that I was watching the wrong stuff). He told me my taste in everything sucked, and was constantly trying to make me different. (He told me it was important for his career that his wife was perfect.)
Compare that to the man I'm dating now, who will notice a post from me on FB at a time 2 hours past my normal bedtime, and text me and say, "are you OK? Do you need to talk?"
It's astonishing to me that I put up with the **** I put up with for so long. Understanding how and why might help me in my recovery process, with the forgiveness part, but I still point to LTD's quote in my sig.