I try to shelter the phone conversations with friends and family from them, but I know they hear. Their little ears are everywhere.
Hey Marlin,
Yours is a heartbreaking story for sure, just like a lot of us here on SR. I got sole custody of LMC (Little Miss Coyote) when she was only 5 years old. I've tried hard not to bad mouth her mom these last 4 years (not 100% successful) and she is mad as hell about her situation. Can't say I blame her, she's basically motherless.
One thing I learned on here and in Al-Anon is to be straight up with my daughter about what is going on in her life. The consensus among ACoA's seems to be that all the lying and cover up that often goes along with the alcoholism, ultimately was far more crazy making, than the alcoholic parents nonsense.
Little kids KNOW something is really wrong, even if they don't quite get it yet, and if the sober parent tries to shield them by hiding what's really going on, by basically telling them that what they are seeing, and hearing, and feeling isn't really happening, then it is far more damaging.
I've told LMC the truth from the very beginning, that her mom has alcoholism, and is sick and can't live with us any more. Granted it's stuff that no little kid should have to deal with, but I have no control over that.
Is my kid damaged by all this? You bet she is, it's a life altering situation to be a little girl raised by her 58 yo dad, and for all practical purposes be motherless. But I can't change any of that, but I can do damage control, in the form of letting her know that what she sees and feels is REAL.
BTW, I did a terrible disservice to my daughter the first 4 years of her life when I spent all my time and energy trying to "fix" her mom. She was basically ignored by both her parents.
At some point it finally dawned on me that I was effing up big time, by spending all my time trying to save a grown alcoholic woman who didn't want saving, at the expense of my helpless child. Once I switched gears and began protecting my child, as you are, my path became more clear.
BTW, I will repeat what others have said, take care of YOU first, other wise you'll be of little use to your boys.
You're a good Dad.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote