Hi Marlin,
I read your story and strongly identified with your deep concern for your wife and strong plan of action as well as the overwhelming frustration at how difficult it is to effect the needed change.
Welcome to the world of addiction as it is a very complicated illness that not only is destructive to the addict themself but everyone else who loves and cares for that person.
As a recovering codie (co-dependent) who can now look back a little more objectively on my 3 years of battling my husband's addiction to alcohol, cocaine and prescription meds (including the always deadly benzodiazepines and sleep meds) I see where my actions were not always helpful to him and often very unhelpful to myself.
I am glad to hear that you do have support from your family as well as her family. I suggest you get a copy of Debra Jay's book "No More Letting Go". It is excellent and will be a great resource for all involved. I strongly believe in intervention if done properly... this book will help you decide if that is a course of action that will be helpful in your case.
As for your wife... she is in the grips of a deadly, deadly combination of drugs that have changed the way her brain thinks ... her mind and her body have her convinced she needs those prescription meds like you and I need oxygen to breathe. She cannot conceive of surviving life without them... and the detox off of the drugs you have said she is beyond belief. My husband didn't sleep and hallucinated for 18 days detoxing off of alcohol, benzos, sleep meds, baclofen and cocaine after his last relapse. The illegal drug in the group was the only one that wasn't contributing to the horrible and painful detox!
Every drug that contributed to his downful was prescribed and he fully believed that he needed them or his anxiety, depression, sleep disorder would completely debilitate him. He had been on medications for years and years and he completely believed that he could not survive without them.
Today he is completely alcohol and drug free 7 months with no depression, mood swings or sleep disorder. It turns out he was not manic depressive, bipolar, does not have anxiety disorder and all of those symptoms were from his severe alcoholism and he was misdiagnosed.
That being said... there certainly are people that do need medications and I am only sharing our story and not suggesting that anyone discontinue medications without medical advice.
However, pharmaceuticals are one of the biggest and most corrupt industries in the world and they spend billions to convince consumers and doctors to prescribe medications... especially those that are for life. We all desire instant results and to feel better and pills give us that promise. For those suffering from anxiety, depression and sleeplessness there are pills that give relief but come at a great price and often are a temporary bandaid solution.
Your wife is in survival mode and her thinking is going to be motivated along those lines until she has been off of the meds long enough for her brain to heal. Just imagine if you could not trust your own brain to give you accurate information ... that is what your wife is going through right now. Her brain is quite literally broken and not functioning normally. Helping her get to a place where she can think rationally and decide for herself what her future will be is the best you can do for her. Be prepared if she chooses the drugs ... they are that strong and quite frankly evil.
You cannot save her. You can raise the bottom, do an intervention, set boundaries, involve her loved ones and in my case I prayed for a miracle. The miracle came not in my timing and it did not resemble the miracle I had in mind. I put my husband in the street and fully expected to see him next in the morgue...he was 4th stage alcoholic and out of his mind on drugs. He ended up in jail, put himself in rehab (this was important) and he FINISHED the course. 41/2 months in treatment. Then he got out and went to a meeting, finsihed the steps quickly (how soon do you want to get well?) and he has kept recovery first (meetings and actively working the steps including 12).
This may not be a path that will work for your family and your miracle might be entirely different (AA is not the only path) ... or you may not get a miracle at all. This disease does nothing but kill and destroy those who do not stop using. You could do everything under the sun to pave the way for your wife and she may choose the substances over you and her children. They are that powerful and twist the brain that effectively.
You cannot choose for her. You cannot lock her up or force her to stop. You cannot find all of the hidden pills or paraphernalia (I still find stashed empty cans to this day). YOu can join forces with all family members and set boundaries all agree on and if she fails to comply and work towards recovery act on whatever guidelines all of you have agreed upon.
Enough pain changes behavior. To this point she has cleverly avoided detoxing and making the decision to stop all meds and alcohol.
Take care of yourself ... take care of the kids. Detach with love. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.