Shellcrusher

I’ve been spending a good amount of time responding to others posts. I haven’t had the courage to write a single thread about my own situation until now. I’ve been a little leery of it because sometimes I wonder if my AW hasn’t also found this site and isn’t trying to find me posting and talking about us. I’ve never mentioned this site to her but I still think this way…Crazy isn’t it? That fear of something that’s probably nothing is controlling me. I went over to the section for recovering alcoholics. I read as many threads as I could to see if anything someone said sounded like my AW posting. Who was I kidding? First of all, she wouldn’t take it upon herself to seek out a supportive community to help with any recovery. She’s above recovering. Secondly, it can’t be done. There are tons of posts and while the stories and details are different, they’re still similar. She’s not that motivated to do that much research. So along with my little test, I figure by posting my story, I am in fact starting to deal head on with those fears, tossing them aside. I ‘m not going to let them control me so in my own recovery, I can begin to unload and learn with an even more open mind. I had a terrible weekend. I'm very low in the dumps right now so with that said, here’s my story.

Time is somewhat of a blur for me. I dated my current AW for about a year. She was a pretty big-time partier and she was fun. She was attractive and at the time it seemed like her free spirit balanced me out pretty well. We were in our late twenties and had our own homes and careers going. There were certainly times when she would get really drunk. She’s a sloppy drunk. She slurs, she stumbles, she drops stuff, she spills, etc. What she really does is say mean things. It’s one thing to call someone a name or do something dumb but she manages to say things that cut me to the bone. Oh, did I mention she loved doing coke? Yeah. So there were nights when she would start to break down from drinking. It could be the middle of the week. I’d be at home and she’d be at her house. I’d get the call and would know immediately that she was drinking. Things got so rough that she actually broke up with me. She said plenty of things about how I made her this way and that way. I didn’t even really know her more than a year. She broke up. It sucked but I moved on and was happy.

Happiness lasted only as long as the next time she sent me a random email. It could have been 3 or 4 months later. I don’t remember. In hindsight, it was a hell of a good quack! I believed every word. I saw that she was better and she dealt with her issues and was on the right track. I figured she was growing up similar to how I was growing. We were in our twenties. Now we’re in our thirties and certainly she must have given up that hogwash like I did. She was all healthy, yada yada. We agree to meet up for dinner. That was the single biggest mistake of my life. The date went well. We tried a few more. A few fights happened and before I knew it, we were married.

It’s been over 2 and half years since we got married. She was in a rush to have a kid. I didn’t want a kid so early. We now have a 20 month old son. During this time, we fought. She’d get drunk. She was hammered and hung over and coked up at our wedding. She went sober during her pregnancy but there were a few times she was breastfeeding after drinking too much wine. Wine was her thing. She rationalized that it was okay to drink wine. It didn’t help that I enjoyed wine too. Our fights would get very nasty.
It was probably after an especially nasty fight that I came to searching the net and found this place. I think I joined back in June 2010. I tried writing some positive threads, thinking that would solve everything. I went quiet for a while and struggled with her on my own but I’m back. Since then, I’ve found empty vodka bottles. I’ve suspected her to be drunk and she denied it every time. I have viedo recording where she admits to drinking home alone with my son while I’m at work. She’s admitted to being an A but now says she isn’t. She wields my son like a battle axe when it’s time to hurt me and he’s also her shield when that suits her better. I don’t like how she treats me but I hate how she uses our little boy. He’s so wonderful and he doesn’t deserve to be around this disease. Thanks to some posters here, I now know that CPS is anonymous and I won’t hesitate to contact them if I suspect this stuff is happening again.

As of last night, I think she’s back to coke and drinking heavier than ever. I’m not a facebooker but some friends have told me that she just added her ex husband as a friend. She was married before…Blamed that failure on her addiction to pills. Somehow she’s managed to blame me for her previously failed marriage. Yes. She’s a humdinger. She’s a loud quacker and according to her I’m the blame and source of her problem. I’m Hitler and all I do is lay down laws, etc., etc. I know the 3 C’s and I’m integrating that concept in my life. I’ve come a long way in terms of being a father and I know my son and I will be fine wherever we are. I’ve been seeing a therapist for several months and obviously, I’m here posting. I’m also realizing that I’m codependent and yes, I’m reading Melodies book and it is helping. I’m working on detachment, practicing single parenthood and working on myself more than ever before in my life. Work is good and I basically hate the weekends because I’m around her. She seems to go sober for a day, a week but never more than a month. Other than when she was pregnant and even then who knows…I remain very disappointed in myself for getting involved with this person. The writing was on the wall then as it is now.

So anyway, there it is in a nutshell. I can give more detail for those who ask or are interested but I really just wanted to get this post out on the table so I can make it official that I’m doing my thing. I know I wrote a good deal about us/her. I’m a father/husband to an AW and that’s my story. I was also a son to an AM as well as a physically abusive father. I’ve come to terms with both of them and get along with exceptionally well. We talk openly about my upbringing and how that may be having an impact on my life now. It’s a good scene and while it sucked growing up and I have wounds from it, I also feel very blessed to know how dark it can get and I can still walk out the other side. I feel the same way about my current life. Very dark but me and my son will survive.

Thanks to all those who work on their recovery with me. Thanks to all those other lost people who’ve found this site and post up their stories. You’re giving me strength. Thanks to all those men and women out there fighting the same fight. To those men who are fathers and making the hard decisions, I want to shake your hands. You too, give me a great chunk of inspiration and power. I also want to thank the recovering Alcoholics who have walked down both paths and are here to help. You guys are heavy hitters and I appreciate what you’re doing for yourself and everyone else here. You give me some of the best hope.

Thanks for listening. I’m not a happy person but I’m working on it.