Originally Posted by
Cyranoak 
For me, I knew only one thing to do when my wife came back. There were, however, a few things I knew not to do:
- Not clean up after her.
- Not lie for her.
- Not bail her out.
- Not lie to our daugher or others about her and her behavior.
- Not live with her if she did not honor the boundaries I had set for my own and our daughter's safety.
- Not give her my money, or access to it.
- And many, many more.
It didn't keep her from drinking and relapsing, but the difference was I didn't help her do it. I didn't give her, as another person says here, "a soft place to land." We ultimately divorced and I moved, she did life without me and tried white-knuckle sobriety (and that's what it was, white-knuckle).
A couple of years later we reconciled because I'm an idiot.
She relapsed again, of course, and this time she went to jail. She came straight out of jail (I did not bail her out), put herself in treatment, started AA, and has pursued sobriety like a demon. She hasn't let anything get in her way (including me), and is in her seventh month of recovery and sobriety. I"m to the point where I am obsessing less over her and her sobriety, and my PTSD is lessening.
It has been hard though, and as cliche' as it is, we live one day at a time with no guarantees.
I don't know if any of this will help, but take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. The one thing I knew to do, and I'm glad I did it, is go to an Al-Anon meeting at least twice a week. I still do.
Thank you for that post. It is the way I have been leaning. I am no longer doing her laundry, she is making her own meals, I have to be careful about taking away money and whatnot. The laws are very tricky, and especially so with the military. Regardless of what she does wrong, I have to provide her for as long as we are married. I already moved all of our savings the etrade account that she has no idea how to access and is only in my name, but I cannot take away all access to our accounts. I have informed all of her friends and our neighbors about what is going on. One neighbor today told me that it made perfect sense now. She apparently had gone over there to ask if she could borrow some sleeping pills at one point. My neighbor never thought anything of it since she only did it one time. If she does that with all our neighbors we know in passing, that is a lot of outlets for chemicals of all types, not to mention the moms she meets at pre-k, people at work, and so on. It becomes impossible to stop her at that point. She is very charismatic as well, most people are completely surprised to find out about her problem. She is truly a functional alcoholic and drug addict.
I would like to give an extra special shout out to her manager at Walgreens. They had been grooming her to become a manager of her own store at some point. She started working more hours, he noticed something off about her. He is an alcoholic, been sober for 9 years and counting. He is the one that finally helped me to get her into rehab. He talked to me this morning as well, about letting go if she doesn't want to get help, and that she is on probation at work, meaning drug testing, and random alcohol checks. They are a decent company and he understands what is going on.
Thanks again to all the posters, you have given me things to think about, our meeting is in just a few hours. Wish us luck, (although luck has nothing to do with anything, I believe we make our own destiny, for better or for worse, we are responsible for our own actions, no one else, just us)
Originally Posted by
KittyP I can't speak for your wife but sometimes addiction can just have physical roots, there doesn't always have to be an emotional reason. Your wife was on chemically addictive drugs which she was given to "treat" what was most likely awful pain. It sounds like initially she took them to relieve her pain but after a while they rewired her brain and created a dependence on them. I'm not saying that she doesn't have emotional issues which she needs to deal with, just that she may not.
She has the gene for it. I am very glad we do not live near a casino, because she has that problem as well. We used to live in San Diego, we were dual income, no kids, so fairly well off, she would go to the casino 2-3 times a week. No harm, no foul when you can afford it. She gets addicted to everything, we are currently not coffee drinkers, but I am sure she will be after this. It is the only thing they are allowed to have at detox. Maybe she will get addicted to recovery...bad joke, I know.