For me, I knew only one thing to do when my wife came back. There were, however, a few things I knew not to do:
- Not clean up after her.
- Not lie for her.
- Not bail her out.
- Not lie to our daugher or others about her and her behavior.
- Not live with her if she did not honor the boundaries I had set for my own and our daughter's safety.
- Not give her my money, or access to it.
- And many, many more.
It didn't keep her from drinking and relapsing, but the difference was I didn't help her do it. I didn't give her, as another person says here, "a soft place to land." We ultimately divorced and I moved, she did life without me and tried white-knuckle sobriety (and that's what it was, white-knuckle).
A couple of years later we reconciled because I'm an idiot.
She relapsed again, of course, and this time she went to jail. She came straight out of jail (I did not bail her out), put herself in treatment, started AA, and has pursued sobriety like a demon. She hasn't let anything get in her way (including me), and is in her seventh month of recovery and sobriety. I"m to the point where I am obsessing less over her and her sobriety, and my PTSD is lessening.
It has been hard though, and as cliche' as it is, we live one day at a time with no guarantees.
I don't know if any of this will help, but take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. The one thing I knew to do, and I'm glad I did it, is go to an Al-Anon meeting at least twice a week. I still do.