hi, welcome.
It is hard to feel so beaten down and trapped, I know. So many of us know what you're talking about. Read some more here. Can you find an al-anon meeting? Those meetings can be miraculous for learning to find your own peace - even in the midst of marriage to an alcoholic.
You're doing fine. Take some breaths, read the stickies at the top of this forum. Post more, it helps you get your thinking straight.