I work with young kids who are dealing with things like your son is. Stella said what I was thinking and what I know.
I explain it to the mom's I work with like this.. if a doctor told you that if your son ate a certain food which made him ill and over time would cause permanent damage, you would do what you could to make sure he wasn't around that food. This situation is the same but instead of food, it is a person in his life (your bf).
I applaud you because you are way ahead of many moms in your situation. So things will get better and once they are, your son will bounce back and be none the worse for wear (kids are great healers with the right support).
Of course you are scared to leave, it happens to most of us when we know things aren't working as they are. But acknowledging that life can't go on as it is is the hardest step.. and your awareness of your son's reactions to boyfriend tell me that you are an awesome mom.. in a difficult situation.
bb.
Originally Posted by
NBK 
Thank you all for the kind words. And to Stella, a BIG thank you. You're words made me cry, not because they were severe, but because they are so true. Yes, my precious boy is learning about life from ABF and me. I know I need to remove myself and my boy from this toxic environment. This is no way for anyone to live, especially not a child. But I have to admit I'm scared of leaving. I know ABF will not give me up without a fight. He will make my life miserable no matter what. I don't know what the future holds for me & my boy, but it has to be better than the life I have chosen for us.
And to Learn2 Live - wow, you are so strong. Thank you for the kick in the butt - I really needed that! You're right, I am afraid of letting go. I keep thinking that he will wake up one day and realize what he has in me & that he will choose me over his booze. But I know I will always be second to his "mistress" and that no amount of begging, pleading and threatening to leave is going to change him. And it hurts.