When BF is sober, he is kind, loving, sweet, fun and charming.
I read this a lot here. And I've said it many times myself. In the end I had to finally accept that the raging, abusive alcoholic and the kind, loving guy are ONE IN THE SAME. Same person. It's difficult to accept, I know. But it's a package deal.
When he came home he saw them in the garbage, and was so angry that I did not take them out to the dumpster. He said I left them in the garbage can because I wanted to make him feel bad. And now that he saw them, he was really craving a drink! Really?
Yes. Really. This is how they THINK. As ridiculous as it sounds to you and me and the rest of the sober human race, this is REALLY how their minds work. You play a huge role in this thinking by just making yourself available to him to BE the scapegoat. It will NEVER make sense and he will NEVER see, as long as he continues to drink and shun Recovery. And even then he may not even remember half the things he has thought, said and done.
As an example, my A&AXBF (alcoholic & addicted ex boyfriend) still cannot see that his having sex with no less than three other women during the year and a half we were supposed to "be together" is any reason for me not to want to be in a relationship with him. He has every manner of excuse and rationalization for his obscene, disgusting behavior, without ANY regard for who he hurt by his actions (and it was more than just ME he hurt, there were children involved in these relationships). (Most of his excuses and rationalizations are finger-pointing and blaming others for HIS behavior). And he STILL calls me and tells me all this stupid $hit about how he feels about me, how we are meant to be together (soulmates crap), how he misses me and loves me. I just shake my head.
Why can't I just leave him?
You CAN just leave him. You just keep thinking you CAN'T. Stop that. Start a list and today write down one little thing you need to do to leave him. ONE. Then tomorrow, write down the NEXT thing you need to do to leave him. And every day, DO something on the list and cross it off. There are lists for leaving, in the "Stickies" at the top of this forum to get you started.
I feel like such a loser for loving this man.
Yes, this is what being with these people DOES to us. Makes us feel like losers. STOP IT. You are NOT a loser. Start making a list of all the reasons why you are the OPPOSITE of a loser. Look at the list every single day. Surround yourself with people who KNOW you are not a loser and who are not afraid to tell you all the good things about you that they know. Get rid of ALL people in your life who bring you down or who are toxic.
He called me this morning and he had been crying. Told me how much he loves me and just wants to hold me.
Boo-Hoo-Hoo for him. Too effi'n bad. "Quit acting like a frickin baby and grow a pair," that's what I would say.
He doesn't see what his addiction is doing to us.
Yes he DOES. He just does not care to do anything about it. He sees it very clearly. Why do you think he's calling you crying like a baby saying stupid $hit? Because he KNOWS you and he KNOWS what will get you to STAY.
What am I so afraid of?
Well, if me and nearly every other woman who comes to this webpage are any indication, you're probably afraid of being alone. Or letting go. BOTH are easy once you work up the courage to just do it. LEAP and the net will appear.
Good grief, I'm a smart woman, so why have I made such a stupid choice?
If you go to AlAnon you may find your answer. I did and that's where I found my answer. I'm getting better at making choices in relationships.
(((hugs))) I think you've come to the right place
NBK.
