Wow. This is like reading my own story. I feel your pain. I miss my AXBF so much. There are times that I feel strong and times that I just lock myself in my bathroom and lay on the floor sobbing. I crave getting texts or emails from him; so I know how you feel. I'm still trying to understand how the same person can be so loving and then so cruel. It's so hard. They can be so loving and caring when they are sober. It sounds like you are on the right track. Stay strong and know there are many of us who were fooled. I feel like I'm a smart woman. I'm trying to concentrate on my kids and future too. This site has been wonderful. Good luck.