So sad
Hello everyone. I'm new to the board, and feeling so sad and so tired of the drama. My ABF and I have been living together for over 4 years. He claimed he was a "recovering" alcoholic when we first started dating...little did I know he never stopped drinking. It was until about 6 months after he & I moved in together (with my now 12 year old son) that I started noticing the "odd" behavior - the slurring, wobbliness, skipping dinner, going to sleep at 7:30 or 8:00 PM, and most of all the rages. Not having any experience with alcoholism, I just figured he'd had a rough day at work. What a fool I was! I just couldn't see it, or maybe I did but was in total denial.
I've never actually seen him drink. He hides his drinking, believing that I won't know. But he is a mean drunk, ugly and nasty so it's pretty obvious. I've never had anyone say such vile things to me. Usually, I just take his verbal abuse and don't argue because I don't want my son to hear it (my son knows BF is an alcoholic) . But every once in a while I do "talk" back to BF and then BF blames me for the argument. It's so exhausting.
On Wednesday, BF was sitting on the couch and I spotted a familiar bottle in his shorts pocket. It was just poking out. I went over and grabbed it and it was a half empty bottle of vodka! OMG! He had the nerve to tell me that he found it in the bedroom and was waiting for me to leave the living room so he could run it outside to the dumpster. Oh please, do I look like I was born yesterday? I dumped the vodka out in the sink and that was that. No argument, no discussion.
But on Friday, while I was cleaning the living room (he was still at work) I found 4 empty vodka bottles. Two behind the recliner and one on top of each of the wall units. I put them in the kitchen garbage can and continued my cleaning. When he came home he saw them in the garbage, and was so angry that I did not take them out to the dumpster. He said I left them in the garbage can because I wanted to make him feel bad. And now that he saw them, he was really craving a drink! Really? So now it's my job to hide his own empties from him so HE doesn't feel bad? He raged on my that night - nothing physical, just the hateful words. Thankfully, my son was with his bio-dad that night. I realized on Friday that he is drinking a lot more than I thought.
I know I can't continue to live this way. I deserve better, but most of all my son deserves better. When BF is sober, he is kind, loving, sweet, fun and charming. My son adores him when he is sober. But my poor boy just stays in his room when BF is drunk. Why can't I just leave him? I feel like such a loser for loving this man. I know his disease is going to kill him, and I've told him so. He is visiting his mom (she lives a couple of hours away) and he will be back this afternoon. He called me this morning and he had been crying. Told me how much he loves me and just wants to hold me. And more of the same promises to get help. Blah, blah, blah. I'm so sick of it. He doesn't see what his addiction is doing to us. Everything is always my fault. And I'm so tired of walking on those eggshells! I'm sick of being a prisoner in my own home, sick of the hold this man has over me. Why can't I just leave? What am I so afraid of? Good grief, I'm a smart woman, so why have I made such a stupid choice?
I'm rambling. Thanks for taking the time to read. Just trying to find some sanity in my life.