But what mkes my throat go tight is the look on his face, the absolute dishevelment....he looks so worn and....old?
It akes me want to bundle him up and put him in my pocket and make him safe...this is so very wrong i know.
I love him...i want to protect him and in one easy swift movement make all the bad go away...but i cant! I know inside it is not my job. It is not my resposability. But my heart...my darn stupid heart...
when we are outside together, with the chickens and goats, walking, or stacking wood, laughing at jokes or silly things, i look at him out of the corner of my eye and see the man i love, the man he really is...and for that small time i want to stop time...just hold it right there....
WOW - thatis exactly how I used to let myself feel about my brothers. So funny, warm, talented, handsome, full of life.....and then so horrible, drunk, smelly, depressed and hungover, and lying. Up, down, up, down is right!
AlAnon really helped me get my head around alcoholism and how deeply it was affecting me. My father was an A and I had really learned my codependent lessons well! I used to think like this too:
i try so hard every day to make the day go well just so he wont feel any need to be down, or take a secret trip up the lane to the shop...
That's a lot of good energy and effort spent on another person and so far what have been the results? For him? For you? Believe what you see!
It is not easy. It can be painful. But there is hope for YOU!!
So glad you found SR - collectively here we've seen everything and you are not alone! Stick around!! ((((((hugs))))))
Peace-
B