Old 01-26-2011, 04:57 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
buttondaisy
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: cavan
Posts: 5
But what mkes my throat go tight is the look on his face, the absolute dishevelment....he looks so worn and....old?
It akes me want to bundle him up and put him in my pocket and make him safe...this is so very wrong i know.
I love him...i want to protect him and in one easy swift movement make all the bad go away...but i cant! I know inside it is not my job. It is not my resposability. But my heart...my darn stupid heart...
when we are outside together, with the chickens and goats, walking, or stacking wood, laughing at jokes or silly things, i look at him out of the corner of my eye and see the man i love, the man he really is...and for that small time i want to stop time...just hold it right there.....
then he will secretly drink. and that small fragile bit of trust that grew is gone...again....and after, when we hug, in my heart i cant help thinking " is this real, am i been a fool, is it really worth it?"....then before i know it, we are out there agin chatting about spring and the veg we will grow...up down up down...
I know i shouldnt take it so personally. but it sure feels that way. am i wrong? am i been selfish? i feel selfish writing all this, i kind of feel like a "poor me"...
im looking at him right now watching and laughing at a sky tv show....as if nothing happened today, like it was a dream...he seems so calm and ok...while im here feeling rubbish with a big headache, sore eyes and numb. strange.
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