My boundarie with STBXAH is to do only what I'm comfortable with. Right now that is NC unless it is something to do with legal stuff as we are going through divorce right now, as we have agreed on everything and we have one lawer representing both of us.
And I keep that contact only when apsulutely necessary and even that does me some harm, as it takes me at least a day to come back to my senses, as he always manages to manipulate me into feeling all kind of stuff, guilt and the rest. And than I have to play the whole tape back again, like: he is the one who drank every day, who continues to drink even though he'll die soon, he is the one who told me nothing but lies, the one who cheated on me for years and I never knew, who stole from me...., so I have to put all those pieces of madness back together to create one picture that tells me again I want nothing to do with him, I want to run away from him as far as possible.
Maybe there are some people out there who can remain friends with their XA's and be unaffected by it but I am not one of them. There is a good reason I'm divorcing him, and that is the fact that he has hurt me more than I even like to admit. He is toxic to me, and I'm toxic to me when he is close to me. I do feel tempted to call him every day to see how is he doing, is he still alive, but I don't. I know that is my weakness, the very thing that kept me captive of insanity for too long. I chose a life without him, and there is only one way to do that: have him out of my life.
I don't answer his calls, if he wants to speak to kids, he can phone them. But they don't want to see him either or to speak to him most of the time. I felt very bad because of it for a while, as it felt like I'm denying him his right to see his kids, but I finally realized that has nothing to do with me, I never spoke ill to kids about him, they have as much right to feel they do as I do. he has made his own bed.
None of this is easy, but I so hope that it will get in time.