I hear you BHF and feel your pain. My AH is same - to him what happened to our marriage is all "water under the bridge". He is sober now but not really recovering - his recovery centers around feeding his ego and trying to reestablish his work relationships.
It's taken me over 6 months to stop looking to AH for validation. I finally realized what I was doing to myself when my 17 year old was giving me attitude for setting some boundaries and I firmly but calmly told her how I was doing what I was doing because I cared about her. I then went on to realize that I needed to validate my own self and I said I am a good person, I care about people, I am considerate of others.
Doing this released the feelings I had of waiting all this time for my AH to say this and feel remorse about his past behaviors. After I said that for myself I realized, I gave myself what I needed and I didn't have to wait for AH to do it for me.
The added bonus I could tell my daughter heard me loud and clear and she seemed to have less anxiety and more focus on minding the boundaries I put forth.
So now, every once in a while I say positive affirmations about myself. Sometimes they are directed at my kids, sometimes to my mom or sister, sometimes to folks at work, never to my AH and mostly just to myself. It always gives me a lift when I do it and it is getting easier and easier to not expect any of this to come from AH.
This is what is helping me to heal right now.