Ic, it's a mirror image. You have great insight, but that's because you've been through it all yourself. One question, you say you are now married to an addict? Do you think that's because it's what you've known, and even though you know that was wrong, you maybe want to try and fix someone because you couldn't fix your own parent/s? I don't mean to pry, but I'm just interested in the dynamics and how they affect you as an adult.
Truth is, my stepdaughter will become an adult, and like you said we need to educate ourselves as to what to expect, potentially. She certainly is a little mother to her brother, who is nearly 7. She was looking after him when he was a baby, and used to moan that she had difficulty getting him out of his cot when he got bigger, so she could take him downstairs and get his breakfast, and then keep him entertained so as not to wake their mother (she didn't like being woken early). It has always seemed that there's been an awful lot of 'treading on eggshells' in their household, not to mention the chores my stepdaughter has to do. She does earn pocket money from doing the chores, £2.50 per week which is probably about $5 (at a rough guess), but the chores she has to do are beyond what most kids her age would do. She also finds it hard to accept gifts, or money, and always says she cannot accept a gift or money unless she's earned it. She's getting a bit better now because we've literally drummed into her that we buy her things because we want to and because we can, but it's still there. She never used to write a Christmas list, and would usually say she didn't want anything at all for Christmas, and last year, for the first time, she wrote a list for things which exceeded the budget we'd set. We felt like singing from the rooftops!! It was a real breakthrough! She's even started asking for things when out shopping, like sweets or smallish items that girls her age want. But, it's still far from how a girl of 12 would normally behave.
She is fiercely loyal to her brother, as well as her mother, and that's another reason why gaining custody of her would be difficult. At her age, she would be asked in Court what she wants to do, and right now she would, without doubt, say she wants to stay with her mum, simply because she feels so responsible for her and her brother. We just couldn't put her through that, it's not fair, which is why we have to find other ways of helping her to cope.