I'm a mess here, all by myself, an ex wife becoming a fading distant memory each day as he forms the new sober to be proud of himself image. He is fixing himself, and I am left wounded to fend for myself.
Let's change perspectives here.
You are not "the ex-wife." That's still
his perspective you're using, defining yourself in terms of him instead of yourself.
You are YOU. You're a victor, not a victim. You're a strong woman who needs to take the time -- much like when you move -- to sort through what's your stuff, what's his stuff (that goes in the trash), and what you want to take with you to the rest of your life. And the rest of your life can be a life that's a life where YOU play the lead role rather than the wingman to some self-important, self-centered jerk.
It's OK to see things in that perspective. Trust me. It really is. (((hugs)))