Welcome Joe, and I'm very happy you've found this site. It's been a tremendous source of support and strength for me since I've put down the bottle.
Pretty sure just about everyone here has tried some controlled drinking. Sure, I could "control" my drinking on certain occasions, but there would be others where I would go all out, black out and not remember doing some rather embarrassing (and worse) things.
I'm sorry for the things you've lost due to drinking. Many of us can share similar stories. I lost jobs, created financial ruin for myself, got into trouble with the law, had to move back home more than once...The only reason I am still with my fiancee is that she is an absolutely amazing woman who put up with far more crap from me than she should, and somehow managed to hang on through the bad times until I was able to start to put my life back together.
I'm seeing blessings in my life that I couldn't conceive when I was drinking. Heck, just having a clean house and being able to wash and fold my laundry is a blessing. I now realize that I could never have the life I want if I go back to the bottle. Cutting the alcohol was the first thing that needed to happen before I could start to make real progress in my life. Sure, once I hit certain landmarks (30 days, 100 days, 9 months) I had the thoughts of, "I've done well and shown I can handle myself...I could probably go back to drinking." But I can't listen to those thoughts, because deep down I know where the alcohol will lead me. And it's not toward my hopes and dreams.
Again, welcome, and I hope you're able to find the help you need.